Walking Through The Desert: Wandering

Wandering: characterized by aimless, slow, or pointless movement

Before the World Race, I was an elementary school teacher. God sparked a passion in my life for kids and learning at a very early age. By the time I was eight, I had my mind set on the goal to teach abroad. I wanted children everywhere to hear about how much God loves them and help them receive the best education I could give. 

And when I first began my teaching career, I loved every aspect of it, even the days when none of my lessons went the way I planned…

…and then…

…by my third year of teaching, I was absolutely exhausted. I had reached the burn out that every more-experienced-than-me teacher said would eventually occur. But so soon? I was only 25 with many years of teaching ahead of me. Going to work was a struggle. I procrastinated on lesson planning, and I constantly felt as though I was never meeting the needs of my students. Were they even learning? Was I failing them? I believed my students deserved so much more than what I could offer. 

These thoughts plagued my mind before I finally decided to take a step back from teaching. I needed to refocus on this passion for kids and education that God has placed on my heart and remember why I chose to be a teacher in the first place. 

This is where the World Race comes in. I had already been praying about going on the World Race and believed that taking part in another passion of mine (international missions) would be beneficial. I had heard about the World Race about seven years prior and every time I asked God about when to go, His response was ‘wait’. When I asked again in my third year of teaching, I received ‘go’. I immediately applied and was accepted within the month. After a year of postponement due to Covid, I finally left for the World Race in January of 2021. 

After months of learning from my awesome World Race squad mates and leaders on what Christ-like community and intimacy with God looks like, I came to the understanding that I was wandering through the Desert of Negativity and I have been for a while.

Did I mention this took months to realize????

For as long as I could remember, I was always having negative thoughts of myself and negatively comparing myself to those around me. If I missed a question on a test: I should have studied more. When I looked in a mirror: I wish I weighed less. When a student failed a test: I wasn’t a good enough teacher. When I saw friends using their spiritual gift: God gave them some cool gifts so I should just step to the side and let God work through them.

The list goes on…

I am certain that in every aspect of my life, probably every day for years, I had at least one negative thought of myself. Also, I am fairly certain that no one has said anything negative to me about myself. So why was I saying these terrible things? Honestly, I’m not sure. I’m still praying into what opened the door for the Enemy to place these thoughts in my mind. 

Wandering anywhere is exhausting. You are aimlessly walking with no direction. With no direction, there is no destination and, therefore, no ending. You just keep going. I was wandering through negativity without an end in sight. Negative thought after negative thought raced across my mind. I was exhausted mentally, spiritually, and it was showing up in my physical life as well. I was tired. I wanted to sleep or simply not do anything. I used excuses to not see friends. Binge watching Netflix and reading book after book became more frequent. I didn’t realize that these actions were to keep me focused on anything but myself and the negative thoughts the Enemy plagued me with. 

But back in Guatemala when God said ‘You are seen’, I stepped into an oasis, a breath of fresh air after inhaling the choking sands of the Desert of Negativity. From there, God showed me the path out. That path is Himself and His Truth for my life. I am still walking through the desert. I still have some negative thoughts, just not as many as before. However, I am no longer wandering aimlessly as I now have a destination. I am following the Son.